The Expectations We Place on Romantic Relationships

And how to manage these expectations

Listening to Esther Perel speak so eloquently about relationships and the pressure we place on them gave me the idea for this week’s blog article. If you haven’t read one of her books or heard her speak, type her name into YouTube and you’ll see interviews with her speaking on the subject.

Something she says that I also model in my work is this idea of meeting our needs. We have gone from marriage being a business and financial exchange to now expecting this one person to meet all of our needs. As Esther Perel points out, we add to that the stress of life plus we are living twice as long. So, what was once a financial transaction and having a village meet our needs, we now place these responsibilities on a romantic partnership.

This has come up for me as thinking a partner is one who is supposed to want all of the same things as me, hang out with me all of the time, and ensure that everything is taken care of. Ok, not that drastic. I am exaggerating, but it does sometimes feel like there’s a thought that a significant other is supposed to meet all of our unmet needs.

The movies and songs in our popular culture don’t help decrease this belief with all the rom-coms saying things like, “You complete me.” Can another person fully ‘complete’ another person? Sure, there’s a romantic idea that they are able to connect, have compatibility, and share common interests. Where this becomes a toxic idea is thinking that, that person is solely and fully responsible to meet our needs and ensure our happiness.

In one interview with Esther Perel she talks about how we have gone from thinking of God as being that which can help us be taken care of to another person being that god-like figure. That’s quite a bit of pressure on a person, don’t you think?

Managing Expectations

First, consider the expectations you place on yourself. Do you give yourself unrealistic expectations of completing a task list as long as a yard stick? That could be setting yourself up for failure, bringing on shame, insecurity, and ultimately disappointment.

Think about the expectations you place on yourself, your relationships, and on other people. What is within your control and what is not within your control? If you’re placing expectations on another person changing to fit a certain mold, again, you will be disappointed. When expectations are set that are not in your control, it’s going to feel impossible and defeating to meet them. We cannot change other people or control how they will respond.

Let’s also be clear that expectations are not the same as boundaries nor hopes/preference. You can have preference of what a relationship can look like; hopes for how you’d like to connect with your partner. These are not to be confused with the reality of the situation or the willingness of the other person. Boundaries are allowed to demonstrate your own autonomy.

For example, I prefer the person I am dating to connect with me on a daily basis via calls and texts, acknowledge me by asking about certain details I’ve mentioned that are important to me. It is my hope that I will be able to see that person regularly and spend quality time together and that we make plans to do so together. There is a boundary I have of wanting alone time in the morning to stretch, write, reflect, and meditate.

Placing the expectation on another person to fully meet my needs for acknowledgement 100% of the time is not realistic. What is important is that they work on it to be able to have the awareness of when they are or are not and take responsibility for what gets in the way of that. This happens through conversation, delicately explaining when I feel acknowledged and when I do not. It’s teaching someone else how to treat you.

Plus, I can also get this need met from other places in different ways through business coaching, therapy, friends, and community events. It’s not completely up to the romantic partnership to make this happen.

Tangible Ideas

So much of managing expectation comes from good conflict resolution skills and communication skills. The Prepare-Enrich program that I based my Couples Skill Building Group and Engaged Couples Sessions around has some tangible ideas for resolving conflict that can be applied to most any situation. (Read my previous article on conflict resolution here).

It teaches couples to slow down conversations through reflective listening (repeating what you hear and asking for clarification). It’s important to help each person take ownership and responsibility of their role in the conflict without feeling blamed. Brainstorming new ideas can be helpful as well. Make it silly ideas, too, to shake up the energy. Lighten up! It doesn’t have to be so serious.

If your disagreement comes from wanting more time together and not able to find it, brainstorm a list of ways you can have more quality time together. A silly idea to include in your list of 10 things could be “jump on the bed together each morning” or “stand on one leg in the kitchen when you’re drinking coffee.” Maybe those are ideas you actually do or maybe they give you a giggle that helps release endorphins and slow down the stress hormone in your body and soothes the nervous system enough so that you can start to see possibility together.

Theory

My theory is that we create expectations around our relationship or even put them on ourselves when we feel like we are not enough or that we are not doing enough. So when we create that lengthy list of tasks to complete, we then have a loop of a self-fulfilling prophecy that we won’t ever be enough and we will never do enough.

You can decrease the task list and/or look at this belief of not being enough or both.

Get realistic with your expectations of your partner and the relationship as a whole. Be sure to get clear about what you’re needing and what is available for you. If you want more help with learning about intimacy needs and how to meet them, get on the waitlist for my next Intimacy Workshop.

One other thought I’d like to include is the idea of intention vs. expectation. We can intend to get a whole list of things done, while managing the idea that it may not be likely. This makes room for flexibility. Being flexible with what is possible can help to lower the stress and release the pressure on our lives and our relationships.

Having intentions in a relationship to try new things together, for example, can create room for planning with the understanding that life can sometimes get in the way. When life happens, you can go back to the drawing board, problem solve, and utilize the brainstorming method.