Building Relationship Skills
What are they and why are they important?
I grew up in a household with two heterosexual parents. They were married young and had children young. Back in the 80’s that was pretty common. Over the course of their relationship, I have watched them bring skills into their relationship to better understand and support one another.
They are still together and, in fact, will celebrate their 41st wedding anniversary this month. I’ve learned from them what a long-term relationship can look like and the skills they have built up over the years to create a life together.
So, I thought, in honor of my parents’ wedding anniversary, and the couple’s group I have coming up in April all about skill building in relationships, I thought I would share more about relationship skills and why they are important.
In reflecting for this post, I was thinking about the reasons why we couple up (or thrupple up, etc.). Some people come together to raise a family, have children, and be in one spot for a long time. Others couple up to go on adventures together, travel, live in an RV, or remodel houses. No matter the lifestyle choices a couple makes, the main reasons I see for relationships are for connection, companionship, and sharing life with another person.
For me, I think of a couple relationship as a space where we can both carry the weights of life together, and if it gets too heavy for one person, we can hand it off for a little bit to get a break, catch our breath, and then carry on. The other person can also have a turn, too. We are there for each other to celebrate, grieve, find joy, and even get into the occasional conflict because we are human and we are not the same person. There’s going to be disagreements.
Having skills in a relationship means being able to work through the arguments, learn how to best communicate with one another, and understand the expectations from each other as well as our own. Relationship skills can be gathered over time but there are core skills that can be utilized throughout the relationship and applied to different circumstances.
For example, communication skills are one of the top complaints I hear from couples. Feeling unheard, misunderstood, or confused in conversation with a partner is a common occurrence. When I work with couples, we work on each person understanding and voicing their own feelings. We look at compassionate communication through clear statements, such as, “when we fight about the dishes, I feel helpless and frustrated.” (based in nonviolent communication)
Giving space for your partner to describe their emotions and then reflect that back can improve the misunderstandings and confusion right away. It can also help the person feel heard when they hear that you hear them. For example, saying “I hear you said that you feel helpless and frustrated when we argue about the dishes. Is that right?” (based in reflective listening)
This skill alone can be used in any situation. It can slow down an argument when it gets heated. Plus, it even helps with basic day-to-day tasks where you repeat the schedule or plan for the day to each other so everyone is on the same page.
Early on in relationship is a great time to learn these skills and get clear with one another, especially as you prepare for marriage. It’s an opportunity to take a pause from wedding planning to focus on the relationship expectations and give a sense of unity during the planning process. Having these skills in your back pocket during marriage can prevent a lot of unnecessary hurt and give way for more clarity in your partnership.
Even couples who have been together for a long period of time can benefit from skill building. It’s an opportunity to reinforce strengths and also improve upon areas that might stir up trouble in the partnership from time-to-time. As life transitions come into the relationship, sometimes being reminded of slowing down the communication in this way illustrated above, can help to soften the hurt, anger, or frustration that a couple might be feeling.
It’s important to give each other space to express feelings and respect those feelings and needs. Relationships are about partner time but also time for yourselves as individuals. Having a mutual understanding about what each person needs, their personality and habits, how to honor this and meet the needs of the other person, will save heartache, time, and energy.
Gather the tools and skills now to be able to better connect with your partner, enjoy each other’s company, and appreciate the partnership as it is.
Here are some skills for couples that I choose to focus on as a couple’s counselor and relationship coach:
communication
conflict resolution
financial management
sexual expectations
family planning discussions
understanding personality and habits of each person
relationship roles
setting goals together and individually
personal and partner stress management
discussing and having leisure activities together and separate
Disclaimer: None of this article is meant to replace couples therapy, counseling, or coaching.
