Grieving Past Versions of Ourselves
Finding acceptance in who we are being today
I often reflect upon where I’ve been and what I’ve learned in this life. In my twenties, I moved from place to place, living in four different states with my cat and dog in tow before I turned 29. Each city and home I lived in, I was a different version of myself.
Some of this was due to needing to adapt to the environment I was in. St. Louis had amazing sweet potatoes and I ate them almost daily. When I moved to Maui, orange yams or sweet potatoes were not as delicious. On the islands, a local favorite is purple sweet potato or Molokai sweet potato. So, I adjusted. I adjusted to the foods, the people, the way of life in each place.
While I was living in Colorado after college, I found myself wanting to socialize more, meet new people. I felt very outgoing and extraverted. Some of this was due to age and that early twenties phase in life of “collecting” friends rather than the later thirties as a time to release friends to focus more on family and close relationships. Now, I feel much more introverted and wanting to stay inward — in my little comfort zone— than go out and dance at the clubs until 3am like I did in St. Louis. (Note: there are no dancing clubs on Maui that stay open past midnight, anyway).
Even if you haven’t moved to different cities or lived in various houses like I have, you probably have different versions of yourself either based on the people you surrounded yourself with, the time, your age, or what you were doing at the different stages in your life. We are the reflection of the relationships we encounter. No one relationship is the same as another because we respond to the other person based on their presence in that moment.
Overtime, it’s natural to evolve. Our bodies change, grow, shrink, build muscle, etc. We collect new information of how to show up in the world and can choose to live more authentically in the moment.
Sometimes, however, we can mourn the past versions of ourselves for the “carefree” nature or the “freedom” or the “attachment” to a person or pet. I know that I grieve a version of myself who was with my dog, Ruby, on a regular basis. It is that part of me that felt deeply loved and grounded that is still a part of me, but has transitioned into a place of “loss” — no longer represented by the physical dog that was in my life for over a decade.
There’s even the possibility of grieving things we have not done. Grieving what could have been is a natural part of being human. We might question the relationships we didn’t go for (or the ones we did have).
Thinking back can bring up comparison of what others have experience that we didn’t or the “shoulds” of what was “supposed” to be happening in our teens, twenties, thirties, etc.
Truth is, there is not ONE WAY to do anything. We each have a unique story to tell and life to live. The experiences we choose to have, we have opted into for the person we are in that moment, which leads to the next moment and the next versions of ourselves.
I like to look back on these memories of who I was with gratitude, while also holding that part that is missing some aspect of that version of me in St. Louis who seemed so daring and adventurous. I wonder to myself, how can I bring in more of what I am missing? Is there a way to incorporate some aspects of that or is that part of me meant to stay in the past?
Today, I think about how I talked harshly to myself and note that I don’t want to do that to my present self anymore. I see the past versions of myself with high regard for what she went through and I don’t want to let her down. I’ve come all this way. Why stop now?
I accept who I am as a way to show respect for all the versions of myself. I know that who I am now is going to be different in ten years and that excites me. I wonder, too, how I can show up in this current point in my life for the future versions of myself. I hold onto the grieve, be present with my current self, and look forward to the future.
Some reflective questions to think about with care and compassion if you’re struggling with releasing the past or being present with yourself:
What aspects of your younger self would you like to carry forward with you?
What would your 15 year old self, your 25 year old self think of you now?
What does your future self embody (feelings, thoughts, decisions, etc) and what can you do today to step towards that version of you?
