The Role Our Families Play In Our Relationships

Where we come from influences what we bring into our partnerships

This title might be frightening to you or liberating or neutral to you, depending on the history with your family. What this means is that you learn about connection, love, intimacy, and closeness from the family you grew up in. You learn about your wants and needs plus your overall feelings of self in relationship through your upbringing. The beauty is, with awareness, you can choose what you continue and what you want to change.

Family of origin can influence how you approach finances with your partner, what affection looks like, and how you fight. Conflict is something all couples face (see my previous post called “Conflict is Inevitable in Relationships”). How you avoid or confront one another is something you learned in your relationship with your family, either through watching your parents, or in confrontation with siblings or with your parents.

Similarly with financials, you learn about dealing with money, tracking spending, whether credit cards were a good idea or not, if saving was a thing, etc. through watching your parents and the feedback you got growing up with your own finances.

When it comes to affection and sex in your relationship, this can come from how sex and affection were talked about in the home you grew up in. It can be the love and hugs you received (or did not receive) from parents that influences how you show affection to your partner in a romantic relationship. Also, how you responded to the amount of affection or lack thereof is something to note for yourself as it can show up in your romantic relationships.

The family you grow up in has an impact on your future relationships. This is not something to be ashamed of or feel scared about or even hold on to. It’s something to be aware of as it gives you answers to the reasons you might do what you do and how you and your partner approach things differently. Most of the time, this gives a sense of relief and understanding to one another.

An example of this could be one partner who came from a family that didn’t connect emotionally on a regular basis. They were a large family with multiple children going about their daily lives individually and rarely checked in with one another. The other partner came from a family that regularly checked in, ate family dinners together every night, only had one child and therefore most of the energy and focus was on their well-being.

When these two come together, the partner from a large family who learned independence as a strength may have a difficult time connecting with their partner or being vulnerable. The partner who was an only child might value closeness and connection. This could create a push-pull feeling between the two.

With the awareness of this piece in both of them, they can learn to bring compassion and empathy for each other and learn to connect in the way that feels good in their current relationship. If they were not aware of where they both were coming from, it could cause friction or they could take it personally how the other one connects.

Here are some discuss with your partner to look at areas of sex/affection, financials, relationship roles, and conflict:

Sex/affection

What does “affection” mean to you?

How much affection was there in your family growing up (verbal and nonverbal)?

On a scale of 1-10 how much affection do you want in your relationship? (1-very little, 10-great amount)

Where did you learn about sex?

What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about?

Financials

What were the spending habits of your family?

How did your parents approach saving, credit cards, debt?

What are your spending habits now? How are they different from one another?

Relationship Roles

What does “equal” mean to you?

How were household tasks handled in your family?

Who cooked, cleaned, shopped, etc in your family?

Are there some areas in your relationship you’d prefer your partner take the lead? Areas where you would prefer to take the lead?

Conflict

What did solving conflict look like in your family?

How was conflict avoided or addressed in your family?

What’s your attitude toward conflict now?

I work with newlywed couples and engaged couples on the above areas and more to gain more clarity about what each partner brings into the relationship. Book a free call with me to see how I can best support you.