Increasing Intimacy in Your Relationships
Various types of intimacy needs in life
There are all different types of intimacy. For the the purpose of this article, I’m going to talk about six big ones that we often see in relationships. Some of these might surprise you and some of them you may already know.
For starters, though, I’d like to preface with discussing feelings and needs in general. I like to look at feelings as a compass. Our feelings and emotions are a response to thoughts, which can influence our response, reactions, and perspectives in life.
An example of this might be getting in a car, turning onto a busy road filled with traffic when you’re already running late. Thoughts come up like, “I’m going to be late. I won’t ever make it through this.” This can trigger feelings in the body such as heart pounding, short breaths, etc. — a basic stress response of the body. Emotions of despair, fear, anger, might start to flair up.
When these emotions come up, what do you generally do? Wave them away? Try to calm down? React to the drivers in front of you by honking your horn? Shift into different lanes? Turn around? Give up? Get out of your car and walk (just kidding)?
You see, these emotions have given you a clue as to what you are needing. They are a guide — a compass of sorts — to show you that there is something you’re needing right now in this very moment. Perhaps a breath? Let’s take a deep breath together, shall we?
Breathe in for 3 … 2 … 1 …
Exhale and breathe out the mouth for 3 … 2 … 1…
Better? I hope so.
Maybe that helps lower the stress response in the body and brings you back to a state of calm so you can make a decision from a grounded, more neutral place rather than a fear place.
Back to intimacy needs
Intimacy needs come up in relationships all of the time. They, too, can be felt and understood through our feelings. Emotions, desires, cravings, and thoughts all come up around intimacy needs. It’s up to you as an individual to take responsibility for these feelings and determine next best steps to get your intimacy needs met.
Here are 6 types of intimacy needs:
Sexual Intimacy
Emotional Intimacy
Spiritual Intimacy
Social Intimacy
Intellectual Intimacy
Creative Intimacy
Don’t worry if you don’t have all of these in your romantic relationship. I like what Esther Perel says on this topic of getting our needs met:
“We are now asking one person to give us what once a whole village gave us. And you add to that stress, and destress, and vulnerability.”
This is to say, not all of your needs can or will be met by one person alone.
In my intimacy workshops with couples, I like to take them through a list of about 12 different types of intimacy and see where their needs are being met in their own lives and with whom. Sometimes it is their partner and sometimes it is friends or family or other acquaintances in their life.
Try it out for the above 6 types of intimacy needs. Where are your needs being met in those areas and by whom? Then, I encourage you to ask your partner to do the same and then discuss with your partner.
Details about the 6 different types of intimacy:
Sexual Intimacy
This is the type of intimacy most associated with romantic partnerships. It can also be part of “situationships” or “friends with benefits”. Sexual intimacy needs vary widely from types of sex, amount/frequency of sex, discussions on sex, etc. Sexual intimacy is more than just the physical act of sex. Talking about your deepest and darkest sexual secrets is a form of sexual intimacy.
Again, I’ll quote Esther Perel here:
“Sex is not something we do. Sex is a place we go”
Some ways to increase sexual intimacy:
Attend a workshop on sexuality.
Share your fantasies with your partner.
Strategize with your partner about how to make part (or all) of a fantasy come true (within the rules of your relationship).
Read a book on sexuality and share with your partner what you liked and disliked.
Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is the degree to which you and your partner are willing and able to connect on a deep, meaningful emotional/feelings level. It’s more than just saying how you feel: emotional intimacy requires trust and willingness to be open and vulnerable in expressing deeper thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Emotional intimacy is the sharing of significant experiences and feelings. Emotional intimacy is the foundation of all other forms of intimacy. It’s the ability to talk without fear. Anything you are afraid to talk about is a possible moment of transformation of fear into intimacy. When fear is present, talking about it can facilitate a stronger and closer relationship. Emotional intimacy includes the ability to share one’s hopes and dreams.
This type of intimate self-disclosure is key to building intimacy and closeness in relationships.
Here are some ways to increase emotional intimacy in your life:
Examine life events that have hindered your ability to be emotionally intimate. These issues might be grief, abuse and/or fear. Share these examples with your support network. Identify plans to address any concerns.
Read a self-help book. This type of book will help you start to identify and cope with feelings and emotions. Visit a local bookstore and examine titles that speak to you.
Appropriately share your inner thoughts, feelings, desires and needs with other people in your life.
Find a support group. Pick a group, such as AA or another program that addresses an important issue in your life. A wide range of topics exist that may fit your concerns. You’ll get a lot of experience sharing your feelings, thoughts, dreams and struggles.
Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy has many meanings because spirituality is uniquely personal. Generally speaking, spiritual intimacy is the degree to which you and your partner share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and experiences about religion, spirituality, moral values, life after death, and other related issues.
Spirituality isn’t always about religion, although religious beliefs and practices can be part of one’s spirituality. Spirituality is a broader concept that encompasses your connection to something larger than yourself and the search for meaning in life.
A healthy degree of spiritual intimacy can enhance communication and feelings of connection. If you’re unfamiliar with spiritual intimacy or uncomfortable opening up about your personal beliefs, you and your partner can watch a documentary about spirituality or a specific religion and discuss what you found relatable. Work up to the more complex conversations over time – the goal isn’t to agree entirely but to have a healthy awareness of your partner’s beliefs and to feel safe expressing your own.
Here are some ways to increase spiritual intimacy in your own life:
Talk to the spiritual advisor of a group different from the one in which you grew up.
Join a church.
Join a 12-step group. This could be AA but it might also be a 12-step group for partners of AA, sexual compulsivity, debtors, eating and even Emotions Anonymous.
Join a group that discusses life values.
Social Intimacy
Social intimacy is the degree to which you and your partner share each other’s interests and spend time together as a couple. What kinds of things do you do together? Do you share quality time having fun?
Now, this doesn’t mean doing everything together or always doing your own thing. Social intimacy is about spending time together doing fun things balanced with individual time – you need both. When it comes to togetherness, more isn’t always better, and less isn’t always more.
One great way to build social intimacy is to try something new together. Cooking classes, learning how to dance salsa, trying a new restaurant, or taking a new yoga class together – when you come together on the same playing field with no previous experience, you’re able to be vulnerable and embrace the awkwardness of something new.
Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy is the closeness resulting from sharing ideas. There is a genuine respect for each person’s opinion. Agreement on a topic is not required for intellectual intimacy. The process of sharing, reflecting and discussing highlights the aspects of intellectual intimacy.
In its simplest form, intellectual intimacy is having a healthy curiosity and learning from each other. Healthy intellectual intimacy is characterized by feeling safe to discuss various topics and share your views and perspectives while being open to different perspectives.
Mutual respect allows you to connect and discuss topics beyond your usual day-to-day rapport, even when your opinions differ. You can practice intellectual intimacy by watching a cerebral film together, reading poetry, or venturing to art museums. Intellectual intimacy doesn’t have to be complex or deeply political – it’s about observing your differences and finding ways to connect.
Here are some ways to increase intellectual intimacy in your life:
Take a class. Check out community colleges, local art groups and area newspapers for classes that may interest you.
Teach a course.
Start a book club.
Join a listserv on a topic of your choice.
Check out the Internet blogs on a topic of your choice.
Creative Intimacy
Creative intimacy is the intimacy of shared discovery. The key component is the process of co-creating with another person. Both you and the other person can grow in deeper ways through the experience.
Bring a friend with you to any activity you enjoy and would like to share.
Join an art class.
Read a book on “possibility,” such as the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, or Power of Intention by William Dwyer.
Begin a blog.
Reflect on your own intimacy needs in your life and in your relationships.
