Conflict is Inevitable in Relationships

How folks tend to approach conflict and what we can do to be less reactive

Conflict in relationships is unavoidable (although many try to avoid it). Sometimes there are minor offenses that stir up some conflict such as forgetting a date or an important event. Other offenses might involve more a more major betrayal such as infidelity, addiction, or abuse. Either way, taking some time to address the conflict, grant forgiveness, and work towards repair together, can play a powerful role in healing and restoring the relationship.

Some couples might think that conflict is a sign of a “bad” relationship or an incompatible match. While sometimes that can be true, depending on the conflict and repair, it can also indicate some issues with how you approach conflict. For example, do you avoid it and let things fester? Or do you pursue when your partner needs a break, causing eruptions or aggression from one or both of you?

Another idea to consider around conflict and the “why” behind how people approach conflict can come from childhood or family of origin. If there was a lot of fighting experienced in the home, then a person might grow up to avoid conflict of any kind because their nervous system gets activated into a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response.

We aren’t here to determine the triggers or reasons why. That is something to be looked at in therapy or counseling session for greater exploration.

If you do find yourself in a reactive state or unable to approach conflict, here are some general ideas for strategies to try in conflict resolution:

1. Take a time-out

   1. If there is not an ideal solution coming up, one or both of you are experiencing tension, fast breathing, red in the face, or emotionally closed off, it’s probably best for a time-out.

   2. Request a time-out and set a time for 5-20 minutes to step away from the conflict.

   3. Allow yourself to calm and relax.

   4. Check back in with your partner after that allotted time. If you still need more time, request that or bring in skills of communication to see what else can be explored.

2. Steps for resolving conflict can include:

   1. Set a time to discuss

   2. Name and define the problem

   3. List the ways you each contribute to the problem

   4. List past attempts to resolve the issue that were not successful

   5. Brainstorm 10 possible solutions to the problem (no judgment or criticism here)

   6. Discuss and evaluate each of the possible solutions

   7. Agree on one solution to try

   8. Agree how you will each work toward this solution

   9. Set a time to check in and discuss progress

   10. Reward each other for progress

Remember, conflict is not bad. It is something to be embraced and explored together. Let yourselves be curious with the process in evaluating how you approach conflict. Give yourself and your partner forgiveness and grace as you work through conflict with your partner.