The Guilt of Not Being Able to Do It All
Finding harmony in life
As relationships evolve, or children are added to the mix, it’s pretty natural to want to show up for all of it and be the best versions of ourselves for our partners and our kids, while also, somehow, managing to give back to ourselves in someway.
Navigating the harmony of it all is what we’ll go into in this post.
I observe moms who are trying to get the schedule together for their kids’ sports, events, and school; making sure meals are prepped, grocery shopping complete; giving back to their husbands by asking them about their day; attempting some sort of self-care in the morning or squeezing in a little lunch with a friend. Meanwhile, something slips through with one of the kids, or the homework isn’t done, or one or both of the partners are feeling exhausted or neglected.
Perhaps the first step of this is taking a deep breath to know you are not alone if any of the above resonates for you.
Even in a partnership where kids aren’t involved, there can be aspects of the individuals where they want to have the freedom to explore careers and hobbies but also want to be attentive to their relationship. They might find it difficult to know how to hold both, individual needs and their partner’s needs.
The root of this might be traced back to not feeling enough. If we aren’t showing up in the way we think we are supposed to for our partner or our kids or ourselves, the pain point of “not doing enough” could rear up. This ignites some guilt while feeling helpless to be present for the partner while also wanting to explore your own hobbies and interests.
With that awareness of where the guilt comes from in your own life, you can address it to determine if it’s really true or not.
I like to refer to Byron Katie’s method called “The Work”. She has several books and an app that helps walk you through this method but basically it goes like this:
A self-limiting belief or thought is coming up
You ask yourself, “Is this true?” “Is it really true?”
You write/talk about the feelings and thoughts surrounding the guilt of not wanting to abandon your partner or family to explore your own interests
Note what past beliefs or images or stories come up with these feelings and thoughts
Decide what your preferred way of thinking might be surround this experience
Change the limiting belief to be the opposite
Write down at least 3 ways this opposite belief is true or more true than the original. (You’re showing your mind with these 3 examples how the opposite is true!)
It might seems long to go through all of those steps, but the more you practice it, the quicker it goes and the more automatic it becomes.
As I said in the beginning, it is also about finding “harmony” with it all. I like this idea of harmony rather than balance, because, as a musician, I see it as layered rather than a scale where it can tip at any moment. A scale feels like it takes great energy to keep level, where as a harmony is melodic, beautiful, peaceful, serene, and pretty straight forward.
If you’re not musical and have no idea what I mean by a harmony, here’s the gist:
An octave is seven notes, A … B … C … D … E … F … G
You have Middle C and then an octave above you have another C
Imagine a piano of 10 octaves, each one representing a different part of the harmony of your life
One octave is your interests and hobbies, another octave represents your interests that you share with your partner, another octave is your partner’s needs that you can meet, and another octave is your kids or the family unit, for example. Your piano is made up of unique notes that play at different octaves. Sometimes they play simultaneously and sometimes they play at their own solo time.
[Listen to “Beautiful Chorus” for an example of how harmonies can play all at once.]
It’s ok if the harmony of life isn’t always “beautiful”. It can sometimes fall out of pitch or be a little off key. Life has moments of flats and sharps that weren’t meant to pop up. Maybe it was a slip of the finger in trying to find the right key. I’ve definitely done that while playing the piano (and in life).
Either way, you hop back on the piano to find the harmony that is just right for you and your life: navigating and managing your interests, while checking in with your partner in the next moment, and playing with the kids 10 minutes after that.
Go easy on yourself.
